So yeah, i've started college. Straight out of camp and into college. I still want to blog about national service -- or what i've managed to get out of it -- before i forget it all, but i can barely find the time or patience to sit down and draw my thoughts out in this space. I expected college life to be full of free time and fun, but as it turns out, the course i signed up for...not so much.
In the past five days, i have had approximately 30 hours of sleep. Another 30 hours was spent being in class -- yes i'm doing A Levels -- and the remaining free hours were spent on the road, being thrilled, excited, worried, happy, vain, and just plain tired. More than once -- when in the far too early hours of classes -- i have questioned the reason as to why i am doing what i'm doing.
Why am i here? Why did i fight so hard to do A Levels? What am i doing?
And i have regretted, but it is true that everything falls into place. I see that now. Everything is perfect now, and i am here BECAUSE i chose to. I insisted on A Levels BECAUSE i knew very well that it was perhaps the only way i could use to get what i want. I am here to devote all my energy into being my most amazing self.
A few weeks back i got called to an interview for a scholarship, one that -- if within my grasp -- would solve most of my problems. This scholarship would put in my hands several hundreds of thousands of ringgit worth of education in the country of my choice. It was a basket of golden eggs. It was THE opportunity. Today the results came out, and i found that i didn't get it.
To my surprise, i wasn't disappointed.
I was okay. I felt nothing. And this Nothingness confused me, because surely i should be feeling something. Disappointment? Frustration? Exasperation? Or relief, even, because not getting the scholarship would mean that i will not have to uproot myself from this college life that i am already settling into. But i felt none of that, nothing at all. I tried to decide on a certain emotion to feel, but then caught myself and realized that really, it doesn't matter how i feel about not acquiring the scholarship.
The point is that i didn't get it. And it's fine. All is well. All is good. Life may prove to be hard right now, but this is the path that i have chosen, and i can most definitely get out of here anytime i want to, but i will not, because this is where i want to be.
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