Taking it easy

When i was younger, i had this circle of girlfriends who probably weren't the most sincere ones around. Yet they were the only friends i had, and i was terrified at the idea of them hating me. Paranoia struck when i'd see them talking amongst themselves. Fears would escalate should they shoot me a look out of the corner of their eyes, amidst the brushing shoulders and conspiratorial whispers. Then i would walk over, shoulders stiff with posed nonchalance, only to experience knotting insides when they would fall silent, staring at me with a challenging eye. Why are you coming here? What do you think you're doing?

Then i would go home, thoughts stretched out like tight covers, stifling and icy cold. I'd get so worried, it felt like my nerves were fried. Maybe i shouldn't have said that earlier. Maybe i shouldn't have made that joke. Maybe they're all bitching about me right now. Maybe they hate me.

What is wrong with me?

The only way i knew how to dealt with it was to confront them straight out -- probably not the wisest idea. I can only imagine how being asked "do you hate me?" or "do you find me annoying?" or something else to that effect, every day, could be so annoying.

I moved on to another school after that, to another circle of friends who didn't huddle up with hushed tones and cold eyes. They never fell silent when i walked near, and even if they did, i knew it was probably because they were playfully scheming for something in good nature. My insecure habits from before did trail into the present time then, and till today they still remind me of how i used to ask so earnestly, "Tell the truth okay... Do you hate me?"

In hindsight, the old friends were probably not insincere. The idea of them hating me was, after all, just an idea that grew into something that haunted my every thought, action and spoken word. It turned into a belief that was based on nothing but the workings of my frenzied mind. If i had just relaxed and been myself, everything would've been so much better. Less time spent being worried about whether or not people like me, more time spent HAVING FUN. Hello?

So, today's lesson can be summed up in a very apt post from Bushwalla's blog.

It's all in your mind :)

You don't have to pretend to be someone you are not. After all, your most amazing self surfaces when you are being yourself, and not who you THINK you should be. You, yourself, are awesome enough as it is. Why are you messing with the flow?

Chill out.