choices and such

Howdy, awesome people!

Clearly, it appears that this project (blog) has gone into abandonment -- but i'm not giving up yet! I refuse to remove the link from any of my online profiles despite this site having gone un-updated for weeks, because i know that i still have way to much to learn, and i want to share all of this with you guys. I love this blog, and am thankful for the existence of a space for me to express and expand the best of myself.

Well, yeah, i've been cheating :( i'm sorry guys, but of late, i haven't been being 'love', or grateful, or 'fresh'. No, i haven't been being miserable, neither have i been stricken with negativity, i just seem to be unable to grasp that invigorating sense of energy. It's gone ... somewhere, and this has been preventing me from signing into this account and updating.

So i wait for it to return -- the power. I wait to be inspired again.

Today, here i am, and i have something to say (!). Just recently i was granted the privilege of choice, yet again. Now, i am eternally grateful for the fact that i have always been fortunate enough to choose how i want to direct my days and my life -- i get to chose what to wear and how to present myself, i get to chose what i want to do with myself (although i admit, i barely have an inkling of that), i get to chose what of my favorite food i want to eat later, etcetera.

But this is a different kind of 'choice'. This one here that i have on my lap, this is scary. This is a dilemma, and the reality of it is that this is the kind of choice that, if chosen wrongly, would be looked upon with regret for many, many years to come in the future.

What if i regret my decision? How am i to face everyone else after this? What if i don't get what i want? What if i'm letting go of something invaluable? What if i hate myself for this?

Yesterday, i cracked my head trying to figure out what i wanted. It kept me from sleeping, and had me feeling nervous the entire day.

Today, i realized that there's really no need for me to be so torn up over this. I have been terrifying and doubting myself in so many ways that it has already taken a turn towards negativity, and that is simply not sustainable at all --which is why i'm going to let go. I haven't come to a decision yet, but i am not going to be afraid anymore.

And i will not regret my decision. Because regret is only a fantasy that your insecurities craft, a nightmare of sorts, a song that you sing to yourself when you are unhappy or dissatisfied with your current environment -- and it never helps a single thing. Three years from now, wherever i find myself then, regardless of what i have chosen this week, i have faith that it is nothing but meant to be. All this while i was trying to protect myself from the regret that i would potentially feel, but today, i see that this is ridiculous. This is life, there is no right or wrong decision, everything just is.

So, all you awesome people, i haven't been around much, but i have something to tell you -- don't regret anything, ever. Yeah, so things could have been different. You could be living in a bigger house right now, be married to a different person, have a different certificate of your degree, etc. Your life could have taken on millions of different paths, but open up your eyes. Take a look around at the room you are in, and the people you are now surrounded with -- this is where it has led you, and this is where you are now.


Regret ain't gonna change a thing. And it's such a pain in the ass.

Let it go. Your life is perfect. Believe it.

With much lurve,
J ♥

Peace

The past week has been crazy, and i think it is needless for me to announce that i just might be incapable of updating this site regularly anymore =( but then again i might be speaking too soon -- maybe i just need to get a little more adapted to the crazy hours of my college life.

(Perfection by Murrrzilka)

So yeah, i've started college. Straight out of camp and into college. I still want to blog about national service -- or what i've managed to get out of it -- before i forget it all, but i can barely find the time or patience to sit down and draw my thoughts out in this space. I expected college life to be full of free time and fun, but as it turns out, the course i signed up for...not so much.

In the past five days, i have had approximately 30 hours of sleep. Another 30 hours was spent being in class -- yes i'm doing A Levels -- and the remaining free hours were spent on the road, being thrilled, excited, worried, happy, vain, and just plain tired. More than once -- when in the far too early hours of classes -- i have questioned the reason as to why i am doing what i'm doing.

Why am i here? Why did i fight so hard to do A Levels? What am i doing?

And i have regretted, but it is true that everything falls into place. I see that now. Everything is perfect now, and i am here BECAUSE i chose to. I insisted on A Levels BECAUSE i knew very well that it was perhaps the only way i could use to get what i want. I am here to devote all my energy into being my most amazing self.

A few weeks back i got called to an interview for a scholarship, one that -- if within my grasp -- would solve most of my problems. This scholarship would put in my hands several hundreds of thousands of ringgit worth of education in the country of my choice. It was a basket of golden eggs. It was THE opportunity. Today the results came out, and i found that i didn't get it.

To my surprise, i wasn't disappointed.

I was okay. I felt nothing. And this Nothingness confused me, because surely i should be feeling something. Disappointment? Frustration? Exasperation? Or relief, even, because not getting the scholarship would mean that i will not have to uproot myself from this college life that i am already settling into. But i felt none of that, nothing at all. I tried to decide on a certain emotion to feel, but then caught myself and realized that really, it doesn't matter how i feel about not acquiring the scholarship.

The point is that i didn't get it. And it's fine. All is well. All is good. Life may prove to be hard right now, but this is the path that i have chosen, and i can most definitely get out of here anytime i want to, but i will not, because this is where i want to be.

Honestly?

In six hours time i will leave for National Service. I will get on a bus and head off to a place where i will have no access to the internet, which also happens to be the source that reaffirms every "Awesome" principle in me. A real challenge for myself, because then i will have to be my own source.

Letting go, frees. Resistance binds.

At first i resisted, and i was miserable. But why was i resisting? As i thought about it, it came to me that i was afraid. In fact, i was terrified. In this world that i have created for myself, everything stems on connectivity, and social networking sites, and cell phones. To let it all go would be to risk missing out on outings and events. To let go would be to risk being left behind. What if i came back, and friends no longer called me out for events? What if i came back, and they had progressed on so much further than i can catch up on?

And then there's a whole new parade of other worries: what if all of my camp mates were to be unfriendly? What if none of them like me? But here is what's making me a tad bit uncomfortable -- all the what if's. Where's my trust? I was getting so hung up on all these worries that it ate away at me, when in fact i had no control over any of it, at all. Funnily, i completely fooled myself thinking that i could somehow change the outcome of things, when in truth i am in control of absolutely NOTHING at all. After all, i'm just here for the ride.

(and so are you)

So let go i shall. Tomorrow i will get on that bus and let it bring me to a strange place, surrounded by strangers. To be real, i still am a little fearful, but it is slowly peeling away, layer after layer.

I am ready now, so let's get going.

And I'll be back in no time. Till then, you have to stay true to your DNA, and be the truly amazing self that you are :)

It begins now

So, what is FUN-damentally Awesome, anyway? I suppose in a nutshell, you could say that this is an environmental blog, a positivity blog and an awareness blog rolled into one. Mainly, though, i hope to inspire you, yes you, the person reading this.

Fact is, i launched this blog without a clear guideline to follow. All i know is that i've been feeling this amazing sense of positivity, and i just want to share it -- because suddenly, it's easier to pick myself up after shit happens. Suddenly, happiness isn't so hard to find.

Suddenly, life is a breeze.

Now, i'm not an expert on life philosophies, far from it -- but i hate to see the next person discouraged or just plain miserable when actually, it isn't that hard to turn things around on your own. All it takes is some good ol' determination and some guts. Truly.

Well, the new year has begun, and together with the arrival of 2010 is also the birth of a spanking-new decade, one that can be full of successes and love and joy, if YOU chose it to be so (it really is that simple).

So today, i urge you to start caring about your environment, and by this i follow the SuperForest Humanifesto, by which your environment is everything that disappears when you close your eyes. Everything in your vicinity; everything that you can touch, or see, or feel.

Today i officially invite you to start turning your life around. If you feel like you're stuck in a rut, then go on ahead and haul yourself out of it. Lousy job, lousy relationship, lousy routine -- what is that? Here's your chance to wake yourselves up now. 2010 is here already, so what are you waiting for? The world is filled with all these unbelievable and brilliant things, experiences and people that you and i have yet to find -- and they are all out there, waiting for us to come and find them.

I'm here to spread the word, of gratitude and love and awesomeness. I do believe that each and every person has a certain level of awesomeness in them, and it only takes some faith on their part to cause all of that life-transforming, incredible awesomeness to erupt and overflow, bubbling out and bringing them to places of amazing heights and highs.

And then you will realize. :)

With love ♥