things i can say

What happens, really, when you hit rock bottom? I guess all i can say is that the best thing about being at the bottom is that the only other way is to go is up.

So here it is. I won't say i know how you feel, but i'll tell you how i felt. I felt like disappearing. I felt so fudging stupid. I wanted to hit myself really hard over the head. To sum it up, i wanted to die. I felt like i was dying inside, and i'm not exaggerating. That period of time is now a faded memory, but if i dig into it and remember every detail, it still hurts a little.

But listen. Sometimes shit happens, and you make the wrong choices, or you do the wrong things, or you don't do the things that you're supposed to do, and then things wind up being fucked up beyond comparison, and you have this impulse to knock your head against the wall repeatedly because you could've done this differently, and then things would've been different -- better maybe. But there's something to learn in everything that happens, no matter how minute or insignificant these things may seem. So take your time and waddle around in the shit for a while more, and when you're ready, pick yourself up, take a shower and move on. Focus on what's to come, on what you can do NOW.

I want you to know that it's okay to have screwed up. Because that's what people do, and i know that's no excuse, but that really doesn't matter as much as how they react to it, and how they fix it whilst moving on. Life was never meant to be easy, and if it was, then we'll never learn anything, and we'll never grow.

So let go. These stories you're holding on to have become part of the past, and the thing to remember is that you're here NOW. All you have is right now, so just take a chill pill and relax, and focus on what you can do. There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be. I probably overuse this line from the Beatles too much, but it rings so true and fits so right. The past may have been great, it may have sucked, but it doesn't matter, because you're here now, and everything must've fallen into place perfectly.

So take your time, but eventually, don't stop yourself from bouncing back. And while you're at it, kick ass.

So you failed. Alright you really failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You think I care about that? I do understand. You wanna be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you're still smiling. ~Claire Colburn, Elizabethtown

planet's talkin' bout a revolution

I feel so happy right now. It's amazing. I feel like giggling, or maybe laughing out so loud that i'd give rise to shouts of shut up! from my cousins. I want to jump, i want to dance, i want to hug people. I want you to know that you're such a lovely being, and that you're perfectly amazing as you are right now, with all your flaws. It doesn't matter if something happened to make you think that you're perhaps not thin enough, not fat enough, not tall enough, not smart enough, not funny enough, not happy enough, not interesting enough, not kind enough, not WHATEVER enough. Don't listen to yourself, because YOU. ARE. AMAZING.

I swear to you i mean this; i BELIEVE this. You are amazing. It doesn't matter if you did something the wrong way once and now people are mad at you for that. It doesn't matter if you're in an unhealthy relationship but you find yourself unable to gather the spirit and courage to get out of it. It doesn't matter if you are stuck in a rut, miserable at the tedious humdrum of your life. It doesn't matter if you went on a mediocre date and the guy didn't call back, and you find yourself wondering if you're maybe that unattractive/boring/stupid. It doesn't matter, it truly doesn't. Believe in yourself, because you are absolutely amazing, and i am in love with you, whoever you are, whatever you are, however you are.

Just let go. Zoom OUT. Do you see now, all the insecurities and fears and sadness and pain you are withholding? It's not gold, so why are you keeping that? Let it go. Gingerly, take one step out of that circle of negative energy, and free yourself. You're not really tired, you're just making excuses to let yourself get demotivated, but even that is okay. It's okay to take a break. It's not easy to be inspired all the time, and you don't have to be. Just know that when you're ready, you're ALWAYS welcome to walk outdoors and stand under our amazing blue skies and start receiving. The sky is yours. The earth is yours. Your life is yours.

And you're absolutely amazing.

scarcity, schmarcity.

Heya there, people!

So anyway, in (very basic) Economy class, we learn about scarcity, and how there will never be enough resources on our planet to satisfy ALL of our needs, and apparently that's a problem. Well, everyone, the way i see it, if we got every single thing that we ever wanted, then we would stop wanting, and then that takes the freshness out of everything.

I have a lot of fun wanting stuff. It's gotta be a slow procedure, really, because if we get everything just like that, then all the fun kind-of just dissipates. When we want something, we're moved towards a certain point of action, where we do something just so we can fulfill our desires. From there the process of change unfolds, and you watch things fall into place in the most bizarre, freshest, incredible ways. It may be long and hard, sure, but in the end you'll find that it was all worth it -- because you know how they say that it's not the outcome that matters, it's the journey you make to get there? Well, they were right ;)

The realizing, the wanting, the desiring, the doing, and of course, the getting. The process in itself is delicious, and i am in love with it. Stop being so impatient, and just enjoy it all.

Have an awesome day, lovelies.

Precisely Malaysian

Hey people! You HAVE to read [this], even more so if you're Malaysian.

I feel that as children, we’re born into a country which is so rich with beautiful things. Your teachers tell you good things about the country in moral or religious classes. You have co-curricular activities with different races. This was my experience, there were no problems.

And then, children grow up, and at university or pre-university, thoughts suddenly creep in about how we’re treated unequally. And then, to be dramatic about it, the torrent of dirt just descends upon them as they become exposed to the realities of Malaysia. They realise that there are things not right with the country. And it is that moment of awakening which is the saddest part of someone’s life. Everything you’ve been taught is challenged.

I want a day where that moment of rude awakening doesn’t happen, whatever race, religion or socioeconomic background you come from. I would like to see a Malaysia where everyone can continue feeling fully accepted as 100% Malaysian based on their citizenship.

I somehow cannot agree more. Well, what about you? What kind of Malaysia would you wish to be living in one day?

choices and such

Howdy, awesome people!

Clearly, it appears that this project (blog) has gone into abandonment -- but i'm not giving up yet! I refuse to remove the link from any of my online profiles despite this site having gone un-updated for weeks, because i know that i still have way to much to learn, and i want to share all of this with you guys. I love this blog, and am thankful for the existence of a space for me to express and expand the best of myself.

Well, yeah, i've been cheating :( i'm sorry guys, but of late, i haven't been being 'love', or grateful, or 'fresh'. No, i haven't been being miserable, neither have i been stricken with negativity, i just seem to be unable to grasp that invigorating sense of energy. It's gone ... somewhere, and this has been preventing me from signing into this account and updating.

So i wait for it to return -- the power. I wait to be inspired again.

Today, here i am, and i have something to say (!). Just recently i was granted the privilege of choice, yet again. Now, i am eternally grateful for the fact that i have always been fortunate enough to choose how i want to direct my days and my life -- i get to chose what to wear and how to present myself, i get to chose what i want to do with myself (although i admit, i barely have an inkling of that), i get to chose what of my favorite food i want to eat later, etcetera.

But this is a different kind of 'choice'. This one here that i have on my lap, this is scary. This is a dilemma, and the reality of it is that this is the kind of choice that, if chosen wrongly, would be looked upon with regret for many, many years to come in the future.

What if i regret my decision? How am i to face everyone else after this? What if i don't get what i want? What if i'm letting go of something invaluable? What if i hate myself for this?

Yesterday, i cracked my head trying to figure out what i wanted. It kept me from sleeping, and had me feeling nervous the entire day.

Today, i realized that there's really no need for me to be so torn up over this. I have been terrifying and doubting myself in so many ways that it has already taken a turn towards negativity, and that is simply not sustainable at all --which is why i'm going to let go. I haven't come to a decision yet, but i am not going to be afraid anymore.

And i will not regret my decision. Because regret is only a fantasy that your insecurities craft, a nightmare of sorts, a song that you sing to yourself when you are unhappy or dissatisfied with your current environment -- and it never helps a single thing. Three years from now, wherever i find myself then, regardless of what i have chosen this week, i have faith that it is nothing but meant to be. All this while i was trying to protect myself from the regret that i would potentially feel, but today, i see that this is ridiculous. This is life, there is no right or wrong decision, everything just is.

So, all you awesome people, i haven't been around much, but i have something to tell you -- don't regret anything, ever. Yeah, so things could have been different. You could be living in a bigger house right now, be married to a different person, have a different certificate of your degree, etc. Your life could have taken on millions of different paths, but open up your eyes. Take a look around at the room you are in, and the people you are now surrounded with -- this is where it has led you, and this is where you are now.


Regret ain't gonna change a thing. And it's such a pain in the ass.

Let it go. Your life is perfect. Believe it.

With much lurve,
J ♥

Sampah Masyarakat : Wesak Day Cleanup

Hey there, awesome people! :D

So in case you haven't heard (which is unlikely if you're living in Malaysia), Wesak Day is coming up on the 28th of this month.. It's a day in which Buddhists celebrate the birth, enlightenment and passing of Buddha.

On Wesak day, devout Buddhists assemble in various temples before dawn for the ceremonial hoisting of the Buddhist Flag and the singing of hymns in praise of the holy Triple Gems: The Buddha, The Dhamma (His teachings), and The Sangha (His disciples). Devotees bring simple offerings of flowers and candles to lay at the feet of their great teacher. The symbolic offering of flowers is to remind us that just as the beautiful flowers would wither away after a short while, life is subject to decay and destruction in similar manner as the flowers. The symbolic offering of candles is to remind us that just as a candle gives light to chase away darkness and in the process melts away (“sacrifice itself”), we should be mindful in “chasing” away our ignorance and care for the well being of others. Devotees are enjoined to make a special effort to refrain from killing of any kind. They are encouraged to partake of vegetarian food for the day.

 Now, usually after a celebration of this sort, there would be a vast array of rubbish left behind, scattered everywhere.

As a solution to this problem, there is Sampah Masyarakat, a nonprofit organisation that brings people together to clean up the mess that is left behind, hence the well-chosen name. Sampah Masyarakat has done this before on more occasions than one, and this time it's at Brickfields' Buddhist Maha Vihara temple.

In a nutshell, it's like this:--
Start Time: Friday, 28 May 2010 at 20:00
End Time: Saturday, 29 May 2010 at 00:00
Location: Buddhist Maha Vihara, Brickfields

Click (here) for the Facebook event page.

:)

Peace

The past week has been crazy, and i think it is needless for me to announce that i just might be incapable of updating this site regularly anymore =( but then again i might be speaking too soon -- maybe i just need to get a little more adapted to the crazy hours of my college life.

(Perfection by Murrrzilka)

So yeah, i've started college. Straight out of camp and into college. I still want to blog about national service -- or what i've managed to get out of it -- before i forget it all, but i can barely find the time or patience to sit down and draw my thoughts out in this space. I expected college life to be full of free time and fun, but as it turns out, the course i signed up for...not so much.

In the past five days, i have had approximately 30 hours of sleep. Another 30 hours was spent being in class -- yes i'm doing A Levels -- and the remaining free hours were spent on the road, being thrilled, excited, worried, happy, vain, and just plain tired. More than once -- when in the far too early hours of classes -- i have questioned the reason as to why i am doing what i'm doing.

Why am i here? Why did i fight so hard to do A Levels? What am i doing?

And i have regretted, but it is true that everything falls into place. I see that now. Everything is perfect now, and i am here BECAUSE i chose to. I insisted on A Levels BECAUSE i knew very well that it was perhaps the only way i could use to get what i want. I am here to devote all my energy into being my most amazing self.

A few weeks back i got called to an interview for a scholarship, one that -- if within my grasp -- would solve most of my problems. This scholarship would put in my hands several hundreds of thousands of ringgit worth of education in the country of my choice. It was a basket of golden eggs. It was THE opportunity. Today the results came out, and i found that i didn't get it.

To my surprise, i wasn't disappointed.

I was okay. I felt nothing. And this Nothingness confused me, because surely i should be feeling something. Disappointment? Frustration? Exasperation? Or relief, even, because not getting the scholarship would mean that i will not have to uproot myself from this college life that i am already settling into. But i felt none of that, nothing at all. I tried to decide on a certain emotion to feel, but then caught myself and realized that really, it doesn't matter how i feel about not acquiring the scholarship.

The point is that i didn't get it. And it's fine. All is well. All is good. Life may prove to be hard right now, but this is the path that i have chosen, and i can most definitely get out of here anytime i want to, but i will not, because this is where i want to be.

Reminders

I am not ignoring you, pain, I am being with you, but not letting you take me, all of me. You can not have 100% of my focus. I will not re-act through my pain, I will act more consciously from my heart and soul.

You may have taken me over for some time, but you have reminded me that I want to be Love in every moment. You have reminded my that to be inspiring is to be inspired. You moved me to pause and notice the beauty that surrounds me and that is inside me.

Pain, you showed me a lot and now you are gone. You may be coming right back, but that is okay, I will now take you as a reminder to show me who I want to be even in the face of pain.

 Precisely. Thank you, Tricia :)

Gratitude Journal : For life that keeps on going

Gooood morning, people!

I'm back for good this time :) actually, i've been back for almost a week, but slipped into a nasty procrastination phase regarding this blog. Sorry :C (i'm hoping that) this post will kickstart the resurrection of this blog to regular posts, as i can feel myself needing that positivity buzz again.

So what's been happening while i was away? Lots, apparently. So many events, environmental and otherwise. And much has been happening within myself too, sometimes creating the illusion of conflict and unrest in my soul -- but all is well. Us living our lives is like a process unfolding itself, and everything that happens is all part of the process, anyway -- and what an amazing process this is.

In the past one and a half months i have found myself caught in one too many unpleasant situations that caused me much frustration. More often than not i questioned myself and let doubt take over my thoughts. Why am i here? Beyond that, i even started believing this self-doubt and began drawing out my own conclusions -- this is such a waste of time; there's no point to all of this! I hate it here... and then all these negative thoughts festered into something else that made me so miserable....

....until i realized that i was just resisting -- and in resisting, i was making myself unhappy and blind to the beauty of what was around me. And that is the most important thing that i have learnt thus far -- that it is crucial for us to learn to adapt to the situation that we are put in so that we can move on past what we think we see to what really is - that every moment is perfect, and nothing is ever really pointless, and that we just have to trust.

I have so much to blog about -- about National Service and camp, and the airplanes that roam the Paya Indah skies, and the bonds that are created there, and the incredible highs and lows (that i experienced). But for now i simply resolve to relax. And slow down. And stop chewing so fast, or making rash decisions, or run through my day like there's no tomorrow. In fact, i challenge myself to slow down, as that's what it's turning out to be. I become antsy and nervous and insecure should i find myself with too much free time on my hands, and that ain't right. Like a friend at camp said, you're only 18 this year, what is 3 more weeks of your life anyway?

And that applies to you, even if you're 25, or 35, or 45, or 55. You're still young, believe me. Slow down, and enjoy the moments. Live. Listen. I wish i had, when that friend dispensed that particular piece of advise to me at the time.

Stay amazing you all, till the next post :)

Justlife Earthday : Green ribbon movement

Today is Saturday, and it has been four whole days since I came home from camp and had Internet access, but this blog lies dormant as ever. The fault is mine, for I could've made time to coax life back into here, but I did not.

But here I am today. I sit here on the sofa in a resort on Frasers Hill, and the air is perfectly chilly and if I crane my neck to the left, a stunning avalanche of green tumbles into my view. Here I am surrounded by tree after tree, forest after forest. It's gorgeous. I close my eyes and feel at peace knowing that I am now in the middle of a massive carbon sink, and I wish that other parts of the world could be like this too. Over at camp it's constantly stuffy and warm, and we're always sweating. Is this global warming then? Right at our doorstep.

From where i stand, i still see many people who do not concern themselves with being green -- but then there are those who DO care, and there are those who are doing something about their concerns. Just last weekend there was the Mega Earth Day celebration in Kota Damansara Community Forest, which i so unfortunately had to miss out on due to my compulsory presence in camp. Then there was this morning, yet another of the month tree planting efforts.

And then there's this, Justlife.

Justlife is a series of organic shops that first started off in 1999 in Malaysia and has gone on and expanded into more than 5 stores across Selangor, Malacca and Penang. Their Facebook page is here and recently they have started a Green Ribbon Movement, in which you spot or create your own green ribbon, take a picture of it, and post it on the wall of their Facebook page.

And it's just so cool. Here are a few of the photos that have been submitted recently --

Aaaand, their humorously suggestive video :)

Hey, even you can participate, so how about it? Go on and promote environmental awareness today? :)